All that I need

Every time you step out of your house, you will realise this. The fact that you can read this on a phone means two things - you could afford an education and you can afford a smartphone. And you have the time to idly browse on the internet. I am reminded of my privilege every single day when I see how hard people have to work to earn a day's wage. And here I am, sitting comfortably without having earned a single rupee in almost two years.

And while my body may have this deadly disease, I have the means to deal with it. There are countless who aren't as nearly as fortunate. Every day, I am thankful for having all that I need, thankful that I can save some of it and share some of it.

Rainbows

The evening before my surgery, as I sat at the foot of my bed, looking outside the hospital window - the gloomy, rainy weather reflected my state of mind. I was still depressed about having to get my ovaries removed, still not convinced about it. I wasn't even ready to sit on the correct side of the bed because I didn't want to see myself as a patient, so I casually sat at the other end from where I could look outside. My surgery was scheduled for next morning. It had all happened in the span of five days, from my scan to the result and then the decision to have the surgery. It had to be done immediately and I had no time to process it, no time to come to terms with it, no time to even look for an alternative.

So there I sat, trying to be "accept my fate" and then I noticed a rainbow. The rain had stopped, the sky was clearing up and there it was, a beautiful rainbow cutting across the greyness. I hadn't asked for any signs, but that was just the sign I needed. I instantly felt better and I smiled to Ady, "see, there's a rainbow!". At that moment I just felt that everything is going to be alright and that I am taken care of.

Sometimes we just need something bigger than all of us, just to make us feel better; and the rainbow was that sign from that something bigger, for me.

Sunshine

The source of all life, energy and warmth - I am thankful for a beautiful clear sky with the bright sun shining down on me. Sometimes when I sit outside to get some much needed Vitamin D for my bones, I can just imagine all that warm energy seeping deep into my bones and making me stronger from the core. I can imagine it getting rid of dark stagnation and giving a new and vibrant life to the room.

Sunshine is an instant mood lifter, especially during the unending grey, cloudy, gloomy days of monsoon. As Ady jokes that I am solar powered, I can definitely see some truth in it! :)

Rain

Every time it rains in Bangalore, my first thought is, "ah, the lakes are filling up". I have never been a big fan of rains, especially when I have to be outside. Since I don't get out of the house much these days, I don't get to see the problems that come with that. Although bad traffic jams and potholes are more of a city planning issue, so we can't really blame the rain for that.

On the positive side, I just love how trees and plants become so clean and bright and they even look happy in the monsoons. Even buildings and roads look sharp and shiny when the dirt is washed off. I love how lights from vehicles reflect on a shiny road when it rains and how much more cosy it feels to be indoors!

And every time it rains, I can just imagine the water table filling up just a little more, helping the environmental crisis just a tiny bit.

Walking

I have been limping for the past eight months and a few days back, I was finally able to walk straight for a few minutes.

I have been a fast walker all my life; never had any patience to walk at a relaxed pace. In college, sometimes I would run from one class to another simply because I felt like. People would think I was always getting late, but I was just having fun running around the corridors and jumping off the stairs.

And here I was, with a diseased bone, limping slowly, and ever slower after my surgery. The day after my surgery I used a walker and slowly counted my steps - one, two, three... ... ...eight! Eight steps before I sat down to rest for the day. It felt like such a gift to be able to walk!

It has taken quite a bit of exercise to develop strength on my leg, but more than that, a whole lot of patience to get to this point. I have been dreaming of the time I will be able to walk properly, without pain, and hopefully soon I will. So I am thankful for this gift - something I never thought I would miss - of being able to walk.

Friends like these

The reunion finally happened and I would like to think that my illness served as a catalyst. The procrastination ended and they flew from all across the country and even outside, to spend a weekend together. The six of us, in the same room after nine years! Here's a bad caricature I made to remember the day.

Whether it is friends in Bangalore, or outside, I have been able to always count on them to be there through tough and happy times. I guess I'm blessed in this area too - to have so many dear friends in my life - these are just five of my many precious gems.

Mangoes!

I can't imagine any other fruit being called the king of fruits. Ok, I'm partial to it because it is my favourite, but seriously, who can resist this luscious, juicy piece of heaven? And then there are so many varieties, Safeda (known as Benganpalli here in Bangalore) that is best eaten cut in cubes, Langda and Chausa which are oh so fragrant, Alphonso, Zarda, Mallika - even the names sound so inviting!

Anyway, as I savour the last batch of mangoes of this season, I don't mind the little extra layer of fat I have added on my belly over the summer. Totally worth it!

Food

We've all been taught growing up not to waste food, for there are so many who don't have enough. And while wasting food does make me feel extremely uncomfortable and guilty, I have also learnt to appreciate what I have. I had gotten into the bad habit of eating my meals in front of the TV, especially after spending so much time at home with nothing to do. But since the past couple of months or so, I have stopped doing that. No TV, no phones, no screens while eating. Even if I am eating something that I don't like I sit quietly at the table and savour every bite. Food is what nourishes the body ( and sometimes the soul when it comes to desserts :) ) and it should get the respect it deserves.

Try doing that - try tasting every bite thoroughly, chewing it completely, feel the texture and then imagine it giving energy and nourishment to your body. Trust me, it will feel better than quickly gulping down a meal with eyes glues to your screen.

Medical science

For all its limitations, I still have to admit that I am alive because of modern medicine. It may not be holistic and it may do some harm while doing good, but when it comes to saving lives, nothing works faster than modern medicine. From 2015 till now, I have been through four surgeries, many cycles of chemotherapy and radiation, taken countless injections and pills and here I am, still living and breathing, four years after a Stage 4 cancer diagnosis.

Sure, things like Big Pharma and the fact that many natural medicines are kept restricted and out of reach of people do bother me. A lot. But without the amazing technological advancement and extreme precision of medical science, I can't imagine if I would have lasted this long. I do hope that the diagnostic ability of modern science and the benefits of holistic modes of treatment come together, but I need to stay alive till I find that perfection.

So for now, I'll just focus on the healing part of it and continue to live. Happily.

Family

What can I say, I feel extremely fortunate to have so much love in my life. I don't know if it is age, or going through some tough times together, but as time passes, I feel closer to the closest people in my life. They say you can choose you friends but not your family. If I were given a choice, I would choose the same set of people any day.

Some bad caricatures to express that, but everyday I feel so thankful for the presence of these amazing people in my life. 

Today I am thankful for

As I was lying in my hospital bed recovering from my two surgeries, I had nothing to do but think while going in and out of sleep. My mind obviously drifted towards what I want to draw next, along with feeling thankful for being alive and fine. It’s funny how sometimes being in a horrible situation can eventually make you see the light, once the dust settles down.

So I thought of a little project - to think of things I am thankful for and draw them. I don't care if I can draw everyday or once a week, or whether I can come up with five things, or ten, or fifty before getting bored and abandoning the project.

I had been pressurising myself for drawing everyday, setting targets and deadlines - and this just ended up adding to my mental agony instead of making me happy. In this process of healing, I'm just going to draw what I feel like, when I feel like and not worry about making it pretty or perfect, not worry about where it goes. So here it goes.