Can't

Yet another opportunity
I've pushed away from
One of the countless times
I’ve lost without starting
I just stand there and stare
At them
Singing… playing…
Effortlessly
Self contained and so secure
While I’ve suddenly become mute
And I try to find a reason
To get away from the music,
From the tears welling up in my eyes
I’m not original
But neither are they
Then why does my voice
Just die away?
I’m suddenly so small
Can’t bear the thought of music
So scared…
to hear my voice…
…breaking
Music is good for the soul, isn’t it?
Then why does it do this to me?
Bringing out the worst…
…fear and misery
Should I just take a vow of silence?
And quit trying to try
Quit thinking
That maybe this time
Will be different
And save myself from
The embarrassing ordeal
Just quit..
You gave me everything
Why couldn't you give me
just a little bit of courage
to hear my own voice
sing
?

Another Closure?

Closure is a strange feeling. Sometimes it takes a while to sink in... and sometimes we are just pushed into it. I had to empty my locker today; I would have kept it for another couple of years if given a choice. It was quite weird to have the mixed up memories of the past 3 years all tumbling down from that cupboard at the same time.

Bags full of fabric, rusted scissors, boxes with neatly arranged threads, buttons, needles and chalk, patterns and muslins, and quite a few surprises...

Surprises from the locker

My favourite black sweater for KMC and Audi (so that's where it has been!!)
At least ten empty or half empty polythene bags
My first assignment at NID (he he my drawing still sucks!)

Sketchbooks from "Fashion Sketching" - Enough one side used paper to last me a year
A page from the DCC assignment on sustainability
Muslin fits of some clothes - (Yeah!!! Some more clothes to wear :) )

Bobbin Elastic (I think that was from Term Garment in the second semester)
Old glossy Magazines (bought from Fernandez Bridge, for mood boards?)
An old, dried, yellow rose (where did I get that from??)

An old telephone that I used in my Diploma shoot
A jumble of wires, a jumble of thick yarn and a jumble of paper strips
An old bottle of deodorant from the first semester (smells pretty much the same still... smells just like First Semester... sigh!)

The sea talks to you

Nemo :"The sea talks to you... you should listen to the sea...
Sometimes when you just sit near the sea, the sea talks to you.... and you can get a lot of answers...
You should talk to the sea...."
ME: uummm........... really......?

Yes, I am freaking out over climate change

I’ve been watching a series of documentaries on climate change and the environment and I thought maybe I should finally write about what I’ve been thinking for a really long time now.

Where do I start?

Everybody knows what the problem is, but I feel not many of actually realize how huge it is. That is why we are living the way we are when actually, it will take nothing less than a gigantic, worldwide revolution to stop the catastrophe we are facing.

I know that we are changing our habits in little ways, by switching off the lights when not in use, or using cloth bags instead of plastic ones whenever possible; but really, this is not enough. Not even close.

Everytime I buy a packet of milk, or use a plastic straw, I feel guilty. Everytime I take a slightly longer shower, I feel guilty. Everytime I switch on a 60 watt bulb instead of a tubelight, I feel guilty. But I still do it.

Guilt is not the answer and I know it.

But why is it that people like me are not changing?

It will be much easier if things will be forced on us. Why can’t our country invest a really large amount of money in setting up renewable sources of generating energy? Or impose laws and punishments regarding optimum use of resources?

That brings me to another point – that developing countries do not want to change their ways. I don’t understand how people can’t see that climate change is affecting EVERYONE without exception! It doesn’t matter who caused how much harm; it is too late for all that. What matters is that who can do the most in combating climate change.

From what I learnt in those documentaries is that one degree Celsius increase in the ocean surface temperature caused Katrina, a grade 5 hurricane. Just one degree. And a 4.2 degree rise is predicted within the next 100 years. One can only start to imagine how much worse it can get.

Rising temperatures are depleting forests, which in turn brings about more increase in temperature and it just goes on. Melting perma-frost increases emission of green house gases like methane, which increases the temperature, which melts more perma frost. It is all a chain reaction which has STARTED already!!

Yes, I AM panicking. And why shouldn’t I?

Whenever I speak to people about global warming and pollution, most of the times I hear, “ya, but what can I do? No one is going to listen to me” or “ya, but changing myself is not going to effect anything” or “everybody wastes resources, so why should I deprive myself?”

We all just pass on the responsibility to “everyone else”, but eventually it is the only one earth that we have, which is home to my own body which is the home of my soul, which is in danger and no one, except me, can save it.

Then why can’t we just change ourselves single mindedly?

I think I need to become more self disciplined in my ways and really, really train myself to make minimum use of resources, recycle more and waste less. And be strong, so that people around me have to accept me the way I am.

Change is hard work. And we have to do it. There is no other choice but to stop being scared little escapists about the whole dark future that lies ahead.

On the bright side, imagine how exciting it will be. The whole world, together, fighting for a cause, hoping, dreaming, changing… Everyone passionate about a better future and all of us finding a purpose in life. Isn’t that what we spend our entire lives looking for? A purpose?

Gulmohar trees



It might be unbearably hot here in Ahmedabad, but I love early summer for its gulmohar trees. The bright orange flowers and new green leaves against clear blue sky, sometimes white fluffy clouds... the breeze it not too hot yet, but the sun is bright. It starts during late March and lasts through May. Hot, bright and beautiful.

Makes me squint my eyes and smile every time I look up. :)

Work

Sometimes hangs over the head like a little dagger.. balanced in the air.. not moving much..
Yet I feel weirdly peaceful somehow..

There IS work.